Have you ever had one of those mornings where everything starts off great, but then suddenly, it feels like everything is falling apart? That’s what happened to me today. I woke up early, excited to tackle my work and get a head start on the day! I had my watch charged, my under-desk pedals set up, and the window open with the perfect amount of early morning light and breeze – and then I sat down to start and my perfect little work morning began to fall apart.

First, it was the internet connection that wouldn’t connect, and after a couple of calls, I was informed of an estimated half-hour wait time. It wasn’t a big deal, and I decided to pivot and take my morning meds and get other non-internet work prepped for the day. But then, my stomach started to hurt, enough to have me sit down. Could it be the meds? They sometimes cause this, but it hasn’t happened in a while. Could it be that my feeding tube flipped? I had it put in four months ago, so it shouldn’t have, but maybe… am I getting regular people sick? Or worse, is there something else wrong that we are missing? Another condition? Why did I give in and let her say no, when I had specifically asked that doctor to run that lab for testing? If it is something else, what could it be?…

My mind began to wander into the depths of my very valid and dark health-related anxiety. In an effort to distract myself, I went on my phone and found my way to Instagram – never the move. Twenty minutes later, the stomach pain had lessened, only to be replaced with the negative thought loop in my head after seeing picture after picture after picture of my friends, family, and people I don’t know, seemingly living their perfect lives, moving forward – buying houses, getting married, having babies, getting their dream jobs or promotions, going out with their friends, and so on. For someone who has had to give up their life for the last decade to try to figure out how to survive each day, been in isolation unable to see friends and family for 3.5 years due to being high risk for COVID, and whose fear has always been getting stuck – this doom scroll takes me out of my health anxiety and body pain for a moment, but is almost a surefire way to hurt the heart.

The usual thoughts began to swirl in my head. Those voices in my head started saying, “You’re a failure. You’re never going to get where they are. You’re never going to finish your projects.” Normally, people will try to get a quick hit of dopamine by eating something to fill the void – I went over to the pantry as I sometimes do when I feel this way – just out of desperation, “Is there anything I could have to make this feeling stop?” But, nope, deep down, I know I can’t do that either, and I wonder why I still do this when I haven’t been able to eat like that for years. I am just so desperate to make it stop.

Then, those thoughts quickly move to “You’re getting sicker. Your treatments aren’t working. You’ll never be able to eat again. It’s all your fault you got sick in the first place. You did this to yourself. You don’t have any friends anymore. No one understands. You’ll never get out of this. You’re missing your entire life. You won’t live long anyway,” and on and on it goes. I could feel my chest tightening and my mind beginning to spiral. Ending up in the same thought it always ends on when this happens – “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

It was only 6:30 A.M. – How could I do this the rest of the day?

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I know this is a lot. I know it’s dark. I know it’s really vulnerable to share. But it’s also honest and real and really important to say because I know I’m not the only one.

I wish I could say that this was not a common occurrence for me, and though it has lessened over the years, unfortunately, it’s still a reality I often face.

When you’ve been chronically ill for 10 years, focusing on merely physically surviving each day, and then spend the last 3.5 years sick and alone in your 8’x9′ room – isolated from your friends, family, and the world due to being at such a high risk for COVID – and haven’t been able to see, do, or experience any of the things you’ve yearned for, these feelings and thoughts can rush at you like a brakeless train, crushing you before you even have a chance to blink.

You might be wondering: How can this still happen when everything I do and everything I stand for totally contradicts these thoughts? Great question – I actually think that because I have, and still sometimes do, feel these feelings, but have learned to overcome them – it actually makes me more qualified to help others and makes my mission stronger to make sure others hear what I need to hear when I am going through that. 

Sure, there are moments when I feel like I’m not living up to my own expectations, and when negative thoughts threaten to overwhelm me. But what really matters is how I respond to those moments. It’s about recognizing that those thoughts don’t define me, and that I have the power to take action and make positive changes in my life.

In fact, it’s precisely because I’ve gone through these struggles that I’m able to share messages of hope and encouragement with others. I know what it’s like to feel lost and alone, and I know that it’s possible to come out the other side stronger and more resilient.

So when I tell you that your story matters, that you have passion and purpose, and that you can create a life you love – I’m speaking from experience. I know that it’s possible, because I’ve done it myself. And I want nothing more than to help you do the same.

Of course, everyone’s journey is different, and what works for me may not work for you. But I want to share with you what I did today to pull myself out of a dark place and back into the light. These are the tools that have worked for me – time and time again – and I hope that they can help you too.